Internet Dating 101 – Bonjour

a.aaaAs a 51 year old woman re-entering the dating scene, let me be clear. This is not an adventure, it’s a full time job interview, conducted by that weird Uncle that always gave you the creeps. Since I average a ten hour work day and meet very few new people, I have turned to the the last resort – internet dating. At my age, the most common sites used are the ones I lovingly refer to as ‘OutOfTime.com’ and ‘ePharmacy.com’. As exciting and fun as they may sound, don’t be fooled. In order to succeed you have to be a detective, a psychologist, and an excellent profiler.

Now I don’t purport myself to be Olivia Wilde by any means, but I think I look pretty good for 51.  And though I’m not in top shape, I’m managing to hold on to a size 14. Not great, but not bad either. I exercise several times a week and have taken up yoga. I am a small business owner, a magna cum laude graduate, own my home, and can take care of myself financially. I dabble in writing poetry and fiction. Sounds pretty good, right? Well, not based on the matches they have provided. Apparently, I only draw the eye of the psychopaths, weirdos, and egomaniacs. Granted, that is their customer base. So, to assist anyone else planning to embark on this journey, I offer a few pointers.

Red Flag #1 – If they describe the woman they are looking for as physically fit and list physical fitness as one of their attributes:

  1. They may really be into fitness. If your idea of a marathon is running a bar tab over the weekend, you’re probably not a good match.
  2. They probably have unreal expectations of finding a “10” on the internet, even if they are a “3”. This is a dating site, not ‘Total Recall’.

So if they ask me if exercise is important on a daily basis, I am prone to respond sarcastically. “Is it a typical Tuesday, or am I being chased by cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers?” Because that will determine my answer.

Red Flag #2 – When they spend their leisure time kayaking, skiing, cross country cycling, backpacking through Europe, or spending time at their lake/beach house, I call bullshit. Obviously they do not understand what real people do with their leisure time: sleep, drink, chores, Netflix.

My preferred responses to them:

  1. I build small villages from marzipan, then let my pets eat the inhabitants while I scream “Die you tiny people, die!”
  2. I volunteer at the local prison’s barber shop. Since sharp instruments aren’t allowed, I have to chew the hair off. I am that passionate about community service.
  3. I do consulting for the TV series ‘Snapped’.

Red Flag #3 – If they sound a little “off”, they probably are.

  1. The Best Bio award goes to the man who stated he had been lucky enough to hold his last three wives in his arms as they died. Serial killer? I sent him a smiley flirt.
  2. Best Photo Award goes to the guy whose profile picture was taken in a restroom stall. Bad lighting, graffiti and toilet paper always intrigue me. I sent him five “Get to Know You” questions.
  3. Best Question Award goes to “How important is sex to you?” My answer – “Very important. If there were no males or females, we would all be gooey amoebic blobs.”

Red Flag #4  – Photos. If I ask for a recent photo and you send me this:

th2

March 2015

I am likely to respond with this:

July 2015

July 2015

Well, I hope we can all put these pointers to good use. But, I have to run now as I have an online chat scheduled with FunFunDave, the pediatric heart surgeon and french model. I’m sure he’s the one!

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