As a 51 year old woman re-entering the dating scene, let me be clear. This is not an adventure, it’s a full time job interview, conducted by that weird Uncle that always gave you the creeps. Since I average a ten hour work day and meet very few new people, I have turned to the the last resort – internet dating. At my age, the most common sites used are the ones I lovingly refer to as ‘OutOfTime.com’ and ‘ePharmacy.com’. As exciting and fun as they may sound, don’t be fooled. In order to succeed you have to be a detective, a psychologist, and an excellent profiler.
Now I don’t purport myself to be Olivia Wilde by any means, but I think I look pretty good for 51. And though I’m not in top shape, I’m managing to hold on to a size 14. Not great, but not bad either. I exercise several times a week and have taken up yoga. I am a small business owner, a magna cum laude graduate, own my home, and can take care of myself financially. I dabble in writing poetry and fiction. Sounds pretty good, right? Well, not based on the matches they have provided. Apparently, I only draw the eye of the psychopaths, weirdos, and egomaniacs. Granted, that is their customer base. So, to assist anyone else planning to embark on this journey, I offer a few pointers.
Red Flag #1 – If they describe the woman they are looking for as physically fit and list physical fitness as one of their attributes:
- They may really be into fitness. If your idea of a marathon is running a bar tab over the weekend, you’re probably not a good match.
- They probably have unreal expectations of finding a “10” on the internet, even if they are a “3”. This is a dating site, not ‘Total Recall’.
So if they ask me if exercise is important on a daily basis, I am prone to respond sarcastically. “Is it a typical Tuesday, or am I being chased by cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers?” Because that will determine my answer.
Red Flag #2 – When they spend their leisure time kayaking, skiing, cross country cycling, backpacking through Europe, or spending time at their lake/beach house, I call bullshit. Obviously they do not understand what real people do with their leisure time: sleep, drink, chores, Netflix.
My preferred responses to them:
- I build small villages from marzipan, then let my pets eat the inhabitants while I scream “Die you tiny people, die!”
- I volunteer at the local prison’s barber shop. Since sharp instruments aren’t allowed, I have to chew the hair off. I am that passionate about community service.
- I do consulting for the TV series ‘Snapped’.
Red Flag #3 – If they sound a little “off”, they probably are.
- The Best Bio award goes to the man who stated he had been lucky enough to hold his last three wives in his arms as they died. Serial killer? I sent him a smiley flirt.
- Best Photo Award goes to the guy whose profile picture was taken in a restroom stall. Bad lighting, graffiti and toilet paper always intrigue me. I sent him five “Get to Know You” questions.
- Best Question Award goes to “How important is sex to you?” My answer – “Very important. If there were no males or females, we would all be gooey amoebic blobs.”
Red Flag #4 – Photos. If I ask for a recent photo and you send me this:
I am likely to respond with this:
Well, I hope we can all put these pointers to good use. But, I have to run now as I have an online chat scheduled with FunFunDave, the pediatric heart surgeon and french model. I’m sure he’s the one!