For the last three weeks I have been painstakingly bra shopping. This is an act I abhor to the fullest extent. I put it off until duct tape and gorilla glue no longer hold my old bras together. But wait! Aren’t women supposed to find joy in shopping for sexy undergarments? Sure, if that woman is a model or has a 32A bust. Most beautiful bras cater to petite small busted women who experienced a growth disorder onset at the age of 12. They are offered sexy demi and push-up masterpieces helping them be all that they can be. But I am what they refer to in the industry as “well endowed” – which translates into “I actually have breasts”. This becomes a double threat as I am also “well endowed” all over. You know what they say – go big or go home. So, to release the tension of shopping and to bring laughter to others on this journey, I give you my Top Ten Reasons for hating bra shopping.
1. My band width number can get most kids on the rides at Disney.
2. Bra straps. The word “strap” says it all. In medieval days people were beaten and flogged with straps. We have not progressed very far.
3. Cup sizes. This is a science that none of us have mastered. It is like a bad word problem. Measure the width of your chest just where the bra band connects to the material of the bra. Measure loosely around the fullest part of your bust line. Take the difference and add it to the current wind velocity in Tibet. Divide by the circumference of the sun. Subtract by the number of oranges Pedro bought in the last word problem. (Hope you got that one right). If your bra was made in the USA see chart 1. If your bra was made in France, see chart 2. If your bra was made by children in India, it is not going to fit anyway.
4. Most bras lift and separate. I don’t want to divide and conquer, I just want to meet somewhere near the middle where it all began.
5. Proper fitting requires that the center panel rest against your skin. Seriously? I’m lucky if the center panel rests at all. It is a load bearing component.
6. All boobs are not created equal. And ladies, you know what I mean by this. It is not like a bikini where you can buy the pieces separately.
7. The wrong fit can cause arm pit boob, uni-boob, back boob and boob spillage. Yes, these puppies can migrate without your knowledge or consent. And which one of us is willing to step out of the dressing room and ask the perky petite 32A clerk if our girls have escaped imprisonment? Besides, she knows we hate her since we sneered at her size earlier and she will probably lie. Bitch.
8. The more support and lift you opt for, the higher your chances for a 1950’s safety cone silhouette. Decrease the support and your boobs hang low, and they wobble to and fro, you can tie them in a knot, you can tie them in a bow……
9. Names are misleading. 18 hour bra? What shit happens at hour 19? Playtex? Sounds like a bomb component and Lord knows I do not need to explode out of my bra. Victoria’s Secret sells the Showstopper, Bombshell and Incredible bra. In my size, the name changes to Perfect Coverage as in “Please ma’am, we don’t want to see that!”.
10. Spending over $75 on the wrong bras and tolerating them just to escape Dante’s unpublished 10th Circle of Hell (Insania) – – known only to women .