Sisters – A Study in Contradiction

Let me preface this latest blog by stating that I truly love my sister. We may call each other names and make snarky comments to each other, but it is all based in that strange sarcastic and warped love that we share for each other – a total unconditional love that was taught to us by our wonderful wacky family.

As I was working through a migraine today, my sister called to tell me how well her new diet was going. My first thought was not “congratulations”. Far from it. Well, maybe not that far – just one letter back from the “c”. Now my sister can think about a diet and lose weight. I can go on the same diet and gain weight. She was touting the benefits of oatmeal to keep her full (I eat it every morning – it makes me hungrier) and diet water to flush her system. Now all you girls know about this water with the lemons, limes, cucumber, and mint. I tried this for a week. I peed all day and still suffered water retention. I gained 2 pounds. This made me think of how opposite my sister and I truly are, despite sharing the same parentage.

THE PHYSICAL – My sister has mostly Dearing family traits. This means she is tall, willowy and graceful. I fear for her during heavy winds. I am mainly Webb – we are of good stock. This means thunder thighs, large butts and large boobs. Small families anchor themselves to us during hurricanes.

HAIR – My sister has straight manageable hair that can handle any current trendy style – long, short, stacked, you name it. Her gray hair comes in and looks like expensive salon highlights. My hair? Well, imagine Shirley Temple meets Buckwheat….in a wind chamber. And my gray hair comes in spots – like a Dalmatian. Thank goodness for Clairol 7G!!

PREGNANCY – When my sister was pregnant you could not tell unless she turned sideways. She birthed three kids in under 6 hours each, then went home each time to mop the floors for company. When I was pregnant, the National Department of Traffic and Safety installed lights and back up alarms on my hips. I had one child after 32 hours of labor. My floors were dirty and I didn’t give a flying flapjack.

STYLE: My sister has the style and fashion sense of a gaggle of distinguished gay men. She accessorizes her pj’s in case of an emergency evacuation. My sense of style would cause a gay man to run back into the closet – as long as it wasn’t my closet. I consider myself accessorized if I remember my watch.

GARDENING: She knows the names of all the plants and flowers, where they grow best, what insects they attract, blah blah blah. She planted an English Garden in her back yard with a sitting nook. My yard is a cross between The Nightmare Before Christmas and Dune. I planted my butt in the backyard with a lawn chair.

MENTAL: My sister has the Dearing trait of manageable OCD. She is calm, organized and methodical. She could probably plan the perfect murder. Downside – her foods can’t touch on the plate. “I am Webb” – a phrase that could strike fear in a Navy Seal. I could commit the perfect murder. Downside – I break all my plates during Webb fits.

Despite all this, my sister is my best friend, my confidant and my partner in crime. When God created sisters, I think he was working on a yin and yang format. Opposing strengths and weaknesses balance each other out to form the perfect indestructible unit. I just wish that when He planned our sisterhood that it wasn’t Truth or Dare Day – and I was the Dare.

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